Never trust a Kardashian; they are duplicitous in nature.
In a matter of seconds their contouring sorcery can morph their faces from high-rise-cheek-boned blonde to questionably tan and ethnically ambiguous. It is also rumored that every few days, with the power of shapeshifting on their side, their butts can miraculously regenerate and morph into larger and stranger proportions. With uncapped gluteal growth potential, there is growing fear among the masses that the Kardashian butts are being groomed as future weapons of mass destruction.
Yet for some strange reason, I trusted them.
A 2-minute YouTube tutorial made by a grown 35-year-old Kourtney Kardashian, detailing the “Life Changing” strategy for how to properly eat a Kit-Kat and the sheer ego strength it takes to name your child “Saint” should have provided enough warning that these were not actions of a person rooted in any kind of reality.
But like an utter fool, I went against my better judgment and found myself shopping the professional Kardashian line of blazers at my local Sears. With Kourtney, Kim and Khloe beckoning me towards their whimsical magenta and leopard print suits marked more than half off, I could not resist. This was the beginning of the end.
I wound up purchasing several of these blazers as a result of being hypnotized by the Kardashian name and the signs saying “clearance – 60% off.” While they were playful in color and creative in pattern, they made my arms look like two freshly stuffed sausages and billowed out in a maternity-like fashion along the waist.
Never trust a Kardashian.
I tell you this tale of sorcery, weapons of mass destruction, and business blazers because not all blazers are created equal. There are blazers, and then there are power blazers. While a blazer will simply sit against your frame and be isolated to office wear, a power blazer will effortlessly sculpt and shape your figure, shapeshifting better than all three Kardashians combined. This week I am going to show you what makes a power blazer and how to easily morph it from work to play.
The Mighty Morphin' Power Blazer
A power blazer can seamlessly bring structure and polish to a casual outfit while making absolute magic of what your figure may lack. Put it on, and suddenly your ho-hum fall dress is refined and your ironic graphic tee is miraculously fashion-forward. With the help of some modest shoulder padding, a boyish frame is given sudden stature and those last 10 pounds seem to melt away behind a slightly exaggerated shoulder line.
When you are on the hunt for your mighty morphing power blazer, there are a few qualifiers. The blazer itself will need to be fitted across your shoulders but should allow enough room to reach above your head without feeling like you are losing circulation. The ideal hem will sit just above your hips giving you a generous and slimming leg line. And finally, so that you don’t look like a child swimming in your mother’s professional clothing, be sure that the sleeves reach the middle of your thumb when you hold your arms out in front of you.
My current favorite blazer is this notch-collar, one-button blazer from Express. It meets all the above requirements and masterfully transitions me from work to play. While the padded shoulders and four-button cuff detail bring form and a tailored finish to the blazer, its true magic lies in its thoughtful, polyester-cotton-spandex mix. The polyester offers durability and lends itself to great anti-wrinkle wear while the cotton-spandex blend offers comfort along with forgiving and shaping stretch, ensuring that all jiggly bits are held in place throughout the day. Let’s look at some different looks utilizing this powerhouse of a blazer.
Power Blazer Meets Palazzo
It’s true: opposites attract, and nothing embodies this truth more than the pairing of a palazzo pant with a power blazer. The whimsical bohemian flow of the palazzo pant is given structure and form with the nipped waist line and structured shoulder of this mighty blazer. You can bring effortless balance and intrigue to the subtle toned blazer by pairing it with a bright pair of patterned palazzos. With this balanced pairing, you have achieved bohemian sophistication all in one. Whether it be to the office, a parent-teacher meeting or a whimsical date night, this look can fit the bill for any occasion.
Power Blazer Meets Graphic Tee
The graphic tee and the power blazer play well together. A graphic tee adds a dose of instant playfulness to the power blazer, and the power blazer ensures that you don’t look like an abandoned angsty tween at the mall. When pairing a graphic tee with a neutral and refined blazer, contrast is key. For this look, I have chosen a cherry red Squirrel-Zilla tee and knotted it at the side. No, Squirrel-Zilla is not an indie band local to Portland but rather a quirky graphic tee displaying the imaginary consequences of a squirrel and Godzilla mixed together. I achieved the twisted side knot by pulling the oversized tee taut to the side and knotting it once. This simple knot brings casualness and fun to the sophisticated blazer, which actually is your goal when pairing it with a graphic tee. The zanier, the more outlandish and colorful, the better. I recommend tying the look together with a pair of dark washed jeans and a pair of sexy stiletto heels or strappy flats. This look is great for a quirky happy hour or an inventive casual Friday at the office.
Go Go Power Blazer
I’m relieved that I finally moved on from my failed Kardashian blazer affair to something more durable, flexible and chic from Express. With the right power blazer, the styling possibilities are endless. You can wear it with a more conservative blouse and pant to work or dress it down with a graphic tee to a party. And if you’re lucky, you can even morph it into Rita-Repulsa-fighting armor and save the universe from her worst weapon yet: the Kardashian booty of mass destruction.
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